Adapted from an article written in December 2020.
“Is writing really what you should be doing?”
I heard those words during lunch on a wonderful spring day. I was having a lunchtime meeting with my supervisor. It was my yearly review and things weren’t going well.
“Is writing really what you should be doing?” Those words cut me to the heart. I have loved writing since I was eleven. I could remember writing stories as a kid. When blogging became a thing, I dove right in and enjoyed the back-and-forth I got from the comments section. Writing along with other communication skills has long been my passion.
The supervisor’s words were shocking, but they shouldn’t have been. It was not the first time my writing was found wanting. Over the last 25–30 years, I’ve heard someone say something like this to me over and over again. The message was the same: I wasn’t a good writer, and it was always said in the most emotionally damaging way.
Maybe being told your writing isn’t good or that your writing is rejected by a magazine and having it happen over and over is a sign that I’m not a good writer after all. I hear it enough to wonder if it’s really true. You internalize the negative messages people tell you. But I also know there are experiences where people thought my writing was “thoughtful.” I take a look at my writing again and sometimes think to myself, “damn, I really am good.”
I know that as much as I love writing, it has always been a struggle for me. But I don’t think it really affects my quality. So why am I not farther along when it comes to writing? Does it have anything to do with being African American?
I’ve had experiences that I know do turn on race. But I don’t want to believe that every experience is racial. My mother tends to believe that most of the bad encounters I’ve had are racial in nature. I’m not so sure. But “writing while black” is always in the back of my mind.
Writing in the Los Angeles Review of Books, African-American writer Laura Warrell shares her struggles of being a Black writer. “To write as a Black person in America is to sustain a barrage of gut punches from a community and industry that don’t do a great job transcending the larger inequities of the culture surrounding them,” she says in words that I can relate with. “Writing is difficult and publishing hellish, but the path for Black writers is laden with unique indignities.”
Even with all the negativity thrown my way, I keep writing. But I’d be lying I said all the negativity didn’t have an effect on me. There are moments when I wonder if I need to write differently. I’ve noticed other writers and see how they can turn a phrase and get noticed. It’s something to think about, but your writing style is as unique as you are. I’ve tried writing in a different way, and it hasn’t worked. This isn’t an excuse to not try to write better, I’ve worked to be a better writer. How I write is my personality.
My writing style is who I am.
The negativity starts to make you think that you can’t write well. You start to sit in front of a screen with ideas in your head and the fear of trying to put words on the screen. Graceless voices fill my head telling me that I can’t write or that I have nothing of value to say. Memories flash of the times when I supposedly fell short. You feel a sense of shame and a sense that you aren’t forgiven or loved.
One of the things I am having the congregation do at church is to write down where they have seen God at work in the world. The first two “writing assignments” I gave dealt with forgiveness and grace. I’ve thought a lot about how sometimes the hardest person to forgive or give grace to is yourself. I don’t know if I need to be forgiven for my writing, but I do feel like I need to give myself some grace even if no one else will do that for me.
That said, there are days I’d like to hear encouraging words from others. I would love to hear how I can be a better writer instead of just telling me no.
Either way, I’m going to keep writing. It’s not easy. But I am trying to write even when I feel afraid of writing. Maybe others whose writing isn’t as good will move ahead of me. I’ll still write. Is it fair? No. Am I frustrated? Yes. Maybe I will do other things that aren’t writing-related. But I will still write because it is a way to express myself. It is a part of who I am, and I won’t let those who have criticized me to make me give up writing.
“Is writing really what you should be doing?” Yes, it is.
Well, for what it is worth, besides you and Esau McCaulley, you two are the only Black ministers that I regularly read and/or listen to. Okay, through in William Barber II and that makes three.
While there are challenges that are unique to Black ministers, its hard to be accepted by Mainstream culture because what you are talking about (Mainline church renewal, LBTGQIA inclusion in the church, Kmart) are things that are well...kinda old news. Society has moved on. The Mainline has imploded, LBTGQIA inclusion in the Northern churches is pretty much official, even if there are challenges in acceptance in the pews. Kmart is well...dead.
Our society is fickle. We are always looking for tabloid fodder and the latest pollical or religious scandal (which really says a lot about what we find important in our culture). You write thoughtful pieces, however, you are not in major magazines. I could see some of your writing being in The Christian Century if you ever wanted to pitch to them.
In other words, don't give up. I read your articles and find them to be insightful. You are a unicorn. You are in a very small Mainline denomination and you are not a "celebrity" pastor. That doesn't mean that you do not serve a purpose and a part within the grand scheme of the church. If you are really looking to expand your influence, pray to God about it and watch for the nudges of the Holy Spirit. Keep the faith! 😊
You are a fine writer. Don’t stop!! No matter what someone else may say. You are understandable & easy to follow. Don’t believe anyone, be they white or black, that tells you that you can’t write. Do what you love and eventually it will all work out. But please, don’t stop writing. I will look forward to your next post. Thanks, Jeanne